4am Honesty

I find it painfully funny
that I haven't spoken to you
in weeks now
yet you still have this way
of making me feel worthless.
Just hearing
of every uneven story,
every feeling you lied about,
makes me want to break
all my own rules,
just to raise hell.
But it doesn't make sense,
that this little green monster
lives inside a heart that is set
on moving on,
because I want to move on.
But I remember how we began,
innocently enough,
but your god
just couldn't make it work.
But now,
you seem to be sure
that a slighter,
lesser, shadow of me
(all pride aside, I swear)
is more than enough
for you to initiate something?
For you to use every tactic
and good relationship sense,
that I taught you?


Oh, Please.

Shine

No,
no longer do I subscribe
to the late night television guide
where I feed my mind
lie upon lie
only to get through another night
only to get by
without trusting in a Father's light
so bright
in my small, yet wide eyes
and I will call it like I see it.
A fear I hide
away like a small, silent cry
that I'd cry and cry
as every sense of security walked out of my life
and into the hands of a crafted lie
that I am nothing in His sight
but rejected.
And I will claim my right
in my Christ who abides
and never hides,
this love and knowledge of me, infinite
like an ocean tide
that sweeps aside
every father's sin, and father's lie
until I remove my eyes
from an image of pride
and see a Father who has never tried
to do anything but set me apart.
No,
no longer do I subscribe
to a late night television guide
filled with such a temporary guise,
a ruse disguised
as a love that just hides.
Real love doesn't hide,
it shines.

Yes

"Do you love Me?"
I asked as you wiped your eyes.
You didn't understand my question
and you didn't see the point in an answer,
but you said, "Yes, I love you".
But when I pulled you through,
and picked you up,
you said your thanks and walked away.

Then I asked, "Do you love Me?"
after your cup had been filled,
and your joy had been renewed.
Your reply came in a rush,
"Yes, I love you".
But in your words I felt nothing,
and I realized that you weren't really talking to Me.
You were talking to yourself.

Finally I asked, "Do you love Me?"
as you handed me your heart,
surrendered your will,
and with an honest voice I heard,
"Yes Jesus, I love you".
As I cover you in my love,
I know that you now understand,
that nothing has ever separated us.

And nothing ever will.

White Lies

I'm a liar of the worst variety,
deceiving with my masked eyes,
manipulating with my carefully placed words.
My mission is to fool you.

With every gaze I break,
I'm force-feeding you my apathy
so my elaborate scheme can hold some merit.
But honestly, I don't believe it myself.

The truth is in the silent prayers
that I rush up to heaven,
asking for the strength to push you away.

The truth is in the punishment
I inflict on my myself
for failing to let you go completely.

The truth is in the simple fact
that without my little white lies,
I'd have us right back where we were.

The truth is in the knowledge
that some day soon
I'll know these tactics were necessary.

I'm sorry, but we're better off this way.

Force-Fed

The operating table is cold,

as my head is pulled back, 

my jaw wired open, 

ready for your next move. 

You numb me of every feeling, 

so my emotions are rendered useless, 

and you begin your daunting task. 

One by one you shove the words, 

deeper down my throat, 

force-feeding the things I never said, 

until they come spilling out, 

flowing out, 

crawling out. 

And you continue despite your better judgement, 

and despite my pleading eyes, 

until you are convinced of innocence, 

and I am left with guilt that isn't mine. 

I hope you're satisfied,

because I'm not.