Steelesview

I went there today.
To that little alcove
beside the playground.

It was cold,
and children were playing, laughing,
smiling. Like we would.

I hadn't the time to stop
to soak in each memory
that is held there.

I walked on.

But I remember
that windy night.
We were scared.

Our fears are soaked
into the red bricks
and the heavy doors.

We couldn't defeat them.
And though you held me,
we were blown away in that wind.

I walked on.

Funeral for a Friend

I'm in my Sunday best.

it's raining, 

just like it would 

on an occasion such as this. 

There are no flowers, 

or little candles 

to usher you out,

and no commemorative picture 

of a smiling and eager face. 

There are no sweet poems 

or small speeches, 

no awards, 

no songs, 

just a box. 

Just a hole and some mud

with a shovel at the ready.

And when I look around, 

I don't see anyone else.

It's just you and I my friend, 

like it used to be, 

and though the time is coming 

to tuck you in and cover you up, 

I won't walk away, 

until I'm ready. 

I'm not ready yet. 

Thanatos

Tortured sleep, and the clock drives forward, 
wind howls past an open window, 
shivers leave lips that were once so warm. 
The sun will never light this face, 
so darkened by the looming past,
so weathered by the pain. 
Rolling closer to the edge, 
restless, and out of touch, 
hands grip the covers, 
wishing to hold on to this temporary safety.
The deepest truths of the heart, 
rise to the forefront in this vulnerable moment. 

Death fills the blanks of this mind, 
as irrational temptations threaten to reign, 
roll over again, eyes flickering with each scene, 
replayed in sequence, like a movie on a silver screen, 
waiting to devour sanity, with the power to control. 
Manipulated by a power known to none, 
experiences used as weapons, like some cruel joke, 
torture, rather than peaceful acceptance, 
and nothing but surrender and submission are left. 
One clear voice speaks for one small second, like a whisper: 
"I think insomnia was easier", 
and yes, maybe it was. 

How hard it is to forget. 
Harder still is remembering.

Vultures

In this brain
with its rights
and lefts
I am circling
looking
and searching
for one way out.
I come back
to the same ruins
over and over
hovering around
all my losses,
failures, and mistakes.
A shameful reminder,
a torture I bring upon myself,
yet I can't stop.
I yearn for escape,
but it's my own fixation
that traps me.
How I long to break
all these things
that hold me
to these messy,
overwhelming,
smouldering, piles
of reminders.

How I long for selective memory.

My My

My my, what we have here
is a no-good, no-win, mess.
And I'm grasping at straws
tripping over what was, what wasn't,
and frankly, what will never be.
We have so much to rehash
relive, remember, regret,
and so much to leave behind.

I just can't see what the end will look like.
Can you?

Something Beautiful

Everything in my line of sight
is a slightly broken reflection
of what was once so beautiful.
My dull eyes used to shine,
with a joy that you inspired in me,
And my empty hands used to hold yours,
with such light and honest hope,
but now all I have are the memories.
The tiny snap shots of our story
that never had this end in mind.
There's no rewriting, no reliving,
just the one comforting thought:
that if I look at something beautiful long enough,
then maybe I'll remember what beauty is.

Smile

...And if you stop to think
about all the moments we smiled,
you'll see that this was worth
all the pain we'll feel for now.

Because the gifts you've given me
were of a heavenly calibre,
things I couldn't have dreamed of
or even have thought to ask for.

Though I may have failed to be
the one you'll be waiting for,
I know I gave the very best
of what I was able to give.

Even though we've lost so much,
along this road of misadventures,
I am thankful for the temporary joy
that I was allowed to feel.

That joy may not translate
into today, or tomorrow either,
but in the healing and the closer,
your memory will continue
to make me smile.

Please promise me you'll smile;
you never know what will happen when you do.

Sweet Dreams and See You Soon

My closing eyes are a warm hello,
Because I see you as soon as they're shut,
And I can't stop you from coming,
Not that I would try in the first place.
I miss your voice, and your stupid laugh,
Sending my heart into palpitations,
It's what you do best,
And what's more, is that you're oblivious.
I may only see you when my eyes are closed,
But as long as you're happy, it'll be enough.
I couldn't ask you for anymore.