Collins

Though I wish to continue my state of oblivion,
I must recognize your truth,
slipping through the cracks,
falling through the holes,
running down your face.

And even when I know I'm not at fault,
I feel responsible for your feelings,
spilling out your mouth,
escaping from your hands,
revealed without good taste.

You're obvious in the worst sort of way,
Not sensible enough to be coy or charming,
stumbling over compliments,
ignoring forced conversations,
blind to clear rejections.

I hate to stand where you have me standing now.

You First

If you forget, then I'll forget too.
But heaven forbid we're ever on the same page,
Because though your hatchet has been buried,
Mine is still lying on the ground,
broken, rusted, and worn out.

If you let go, then I'll let go too.
There's no hope in holding on,
Or any reason left for wishful thinking.
No, only the repeated sentiments remain,
But then again, maybe that's all we ever had.

If you've given up, then I guess I give up too.
Because there's no point in dragging out the torture,
But if you ever wake up thinking you've made a mistake,
And you find yourself wanting something more,
know that if you're willing, then I'm willing too.

Bathsheba

Her name is not Bathsheba,
She does not belong in your palace,
And though you'd like me to play the role of Uriah,
sent to the front lines and shoved out of the way,
I will refuse to put up and shut up.
Though her betrayal may seem evident to you,
She is not the creature you've made her to be,
no matter how much you objectify.
My silence will not be broken,
But you can count on a war, not simply a battle.
Your reign of terror has dragged on long enough,
And I don't know where you get off crowning yourself king,
But you're name is not David,
You are not getting away with what you've done.
Her name is not Bathsheba,
and neither was mine.

Smiling Eyes

I remember when we would laugh, don't you?
When keeping time seemed useless,
Because we knew there was no turning back,
Not after all of this.
There is no turning back after this.

I look at your eyes as if they owe me something.
Like a glimmer of hope, however small,
Or just a sign that you're still in there somewhere,
Because nothing is the same since you've been gone,
No, nothing is ever the same.

You can spend an eternity walking away,
But it won't change what we've said or what we've seen.
I've heard your heart break, seen your smile.
There's no ignoring what could have been,
But will we ever see it?

I remember when we would laugh, don't you?

I Am The Jury

Not only does this feel like an intentional oversight,
But the feeling of unimportance sinks into my skin.
After all the roads I've had to take,
In order to gain this minimal healing,
I thought that my efforts would be rewarded,
Rather than ignored.
Your pedestal is cracking,
Your high horse is dying,
And your innocence is in question.
These actions force me to evaluate your words,
To see where the lies were hidden,
And as for what will happen next,
The jury's still out on that one. . .

The Curtain Puller

I can't say that I've figured it out yet.
I wish I could ease your guilt, but I can't lie
You said these weeks would heal,
But I have yet to feel that knife leave my spine,
Holding on to every wasted emotion I have.
I take my place behind the curtain,
While you take center stage,
And as graceful as I'd like to be,
I feel no jealousy, just loss.
Never, will I be that star you're looking for,
Though I thought maybe this time I could shine. . .
You see my eyes averted,
You see my identity, bare and uncovered,
But it's not enough.
It's just not enough.
You see everything,
But sometimes I just wish you'd see me as beautiful.

Fool Me Twice. . .

No more walking in the moonlight,
Searching for answers in sidewalk cracks,
Because since I've had to walk alone,
Nothing is the same, nothing is right.
And certainly no more music,
With every note painting your picture,
Yet never reaching completion,
Always wrong, always missing something.
I retract my singed fingertips from the fire,
As you laugh in an attempt to mock me.
But I thought you were burnt as well?
I guess maybe I was wrong.
Or perhaps you just lied . . .
What is worse is that nothing can mar your image,
Set in my mind like a monument.
I hate to say it, but with each memory,
Your presence is being covered up,
No more moonlight, no more music,
all for my safety.
Fool me once, shame on you,
But fool me twice, shame on me,
And you can bet there's no way I'm getting burned again.

If Only You Knew

We meet once again,
Your face flushed, your hands clenched,
Unable to clearly tell me what the problem is,
Yet I've always known this would happen.
Your voice is hoarse and your eyes are red,
You're confused, and you blame it all on me.
I hear you ask "Don't you care about my pain?",
And I just think to myself "If only you knew".

We meet once again,
After you've been beaten and bruised,
Yearning to be redeemed from such abuse,
And you look to me for the umpteenth time,
Searching for the answers that I can't give you.
As I reach to take your hand, you pull away,
Saying, "You're not big enough to heal me",
And all I can say is, "If only you knew".

We meet once again,
You've come just as far as I knew you would,
Through the suffering and through the darkness,
To find me in the most perfect place.
I always knew you'd come back to me like this,
Strongly standing in My Name alone,
And you smile at me as if to say, "Father, aren't You proud?"
"My child, if only you knew".

Your Love To Fall

I scream at the sky,
to bring on the rain,
in sheets and floods,
to remind me of Your love.
Oh yes, Your rain reminds me of love.
How You fall all around,
how You cover the earth,
and how you restore creation.
Your love brings life,
to the muddiest of souls,
washing away the iniquity,
falling, falling like rain.
In all my life, in every way,
I will yearn for the clouds to cover,
And for Your love to fall.

These Days. . .

There is a dichotomy of want and will,
Festering deep in the center of my heart,
Threatening to divide and conquer.
Once upon a time these two things were in unison,
I wanted whatever was to be willed,
But now I feel as if Your will would kill me.
I fight this separation,
Knowing my desire is nothing without approval,
Because when I tolerate my own disobedience,
I only descend farther into depravity.
It is for this reason, that I bury your name,
Protect my heart and the civil war that ensues,
Because I know I cannot be trusted.
So until I can restore order to this chaos,
I will close my eyes and say one more prayer.
It's all I can seem to do these days. . .

Busted

The phone is idle,
I wonder if it's broken?
Or is it just the absence of callers,
that has deceived me once again?
It's not like I'm expecting you to call,
But I thought you'd at least make one last-ditch effort,
To try and prove me wrong.
I never thought you were such a quitter.
Though everyone else seems shocked,
I can't say that I am,
Because I know what has bought your silence.
I know your crimes, charges, convictions.
You may have said before,
That you're perfectly innocent,
But you and I both know
Silence in the best confession.

The Green Light Stop

Your hands,
are always broken, never open.
Your heart,
is always searching, always hoping.
You see,
half of the truth, only what you want to.
You feel,
it's only dead-end roads you're getting from me.
That's all you're getting from me.

You stop,
at every green light, always look twice.
You say,
it's not your fault, it's always been this way.
But I see,
all the things you hide from me,
And I feel,
it's only dead-end roads I'm getting from you.
That's all I'm getting from you. . .

May I?

May I interrupt for just one moment,
To ask where the time has gone?
Because while we've been healing,
Separate from the places we've been,
The days have rolled into months,
And the racing of my heart is telling me,
We're nearly out of time.

May I just say,
That I've tried as hard as I know how,
To remove the past from my present,
But the two seem one, against my will.
So don't call me indifferent,
And don't call me complacent,
Because if you do, then you don't know me at all.

May I say that I'm afraid?

Caged

. . . And then we sang the saddest song,
Because it seemed appropriate,
Though a longing for silence,
Was creeping up in my veins.
We've spoken enough,
We've dragged this out long enough,
And now all that is left to do,
Is to let sleeping dogs lie.
As I stop my voice,
While they continue to sing,
I feel the tired tears returning to my eyes,
Visitors I wished to never see.
Is it the loss of something sacred,
That has broken me once again?
Or is it the failure in staying strong,
That has brought me the most pain?
Questions that deserve no answers,
Since the piano plays on,
Ignoring the pleading of my weary mind.
It is well with my soul.
No. Right now, it's most certainly not.

Apologizing Again...

Call me from the other side
Of this distance we use to heal,
Just so I know that you're better off,
And then maybe I can believe we did what was best.
Your heart is swimming in the guilt,
Mine's still floating in the hope,
But as sure as the sun shines,
I see you were right all along.
I am covered by a greater love,
Held by stronger arms,
And protected by One who has died for me.
He's died for you too. . .
And as much as these words are haphazard,
Empty and full simultaneously,
They are all I have, to show you where I am.
So call me from the other side
Of this distance we use to heal,
Just so I can tell you I was wrong.
I'm sorry, and I was wrong.

Absence

Truer or more false,
We will find the correct answer,
In the months and in the miles,
Fonder or less fond,
This is the in between.

They say absence,
Makes or breaks, gives or takes,
But I just think it brings the truth.
If it isn't real, it will die,
If it is, then it can't.

The conditions seem set,
And if you stop to think of me at all,
Know that I am seeking, hoping, praying. . .
Do the work you've been called to do,
And when this is over, we will see.
Whenever this is over,
We will see.

So You Say

As the time will continue on,
You say that all of this will change. . .
Or so you say, or so you say.
And yet you give me words of hope and light,
When you've already murdered the both of these.
So to allow myself to escape,
I will turn my eyes from yours,
In order to maintain my safety.
Safety, what I must retain,
Safety, what I long to throw by the wayside.
Waiting for extraction that seems to never come. . .

Checkmate

The chess game is over,
You've won, and you're free.
And like a fair player,
Rather than a sore loser,
I will accept this defeat with grace.
You directed the game the whole time,
Using your sway to determine this outcome,
And as much as I was unsuspecting,
I have to admit that I let you win.
Now that I have shaken your hand,
To eliminate any hard feelings,
I see that I have a heavy heart,
Rising up into my throat,
And you walk away, unscathed.
Though you could have have spared me,
You did not.
Advantage was taken, and that isn't my fault.
You may be sorry, but frankly so am I.
Even though you cheated in this game,
I will swallow that heaviness.
I'll continue to remember that you know what you've done,
and you'll live with this for a long time.
Then I will be the one who has won,
And I'll be the one who is free.

To Live In Your Fields.

I dream dreams like this.
I'm so lost in the grass,
So taken in by the fields,
I don't know where I end and they begin.



I cry out to the sky,
I dance in the open space,
I am home, only in You.

I live for love like this.
To be enveloped by something bigger than myself,
To feel alive for one purpose.
Even in my struggle,
Force me to live in Your fields.
That's all I ask of You.

Illusionary Hope

In my heart there rages a sea,
Settling, only to roar the next moment,
Never does it stop, never does it stop.
Chaos swirls in the depths,
Mixed with an understanding I'll never understand.

Belly up in this aimless endeavor,
I am carried along in this tempest,
Looking for a light that never shines.
Shocked by the peace found in familiarity,
How alarming it is, when a storm becomes home.

Months upon months of floating,
Skin pale, arms weak, hope drained,
My eyes are pealed open by the illusion,
Of a light pouring from this sky.
Illusion it may be, but it's mine.

Our illusions don't always trap us,
Sometimes they set us free.